and so it begins.

this time of year is generally pretty difficult for me. there's this thing that unsettles me and disturbs me to my core, and unfortunately it really doesn't go away until about march. it's really kind of annoying.

When we were in high school, momo and I were close friends with a girl that we and the other crazychicas eventually ended up living with our junior and senior years. Unfortunately, during the summer between our junior and senior year we collectively had a falling out with this girl because she became crazy psycho pain in the ass because of a boy. now that I think of it, that sounds really familiar... hrm...

anyways, there's a point to this, I swear. this girl's father was one of the nicest people that I knew. He was always kind and caring towards us girls, and had such a nice, hearty laugh that always made me smile. despite the fact that his daughter and I didn't get along any longer, I always respected him and was happy for him when he won a seat as a state house representative, despite the fact that our political convictions were total opposites.

He was diagnosed with cancer just over two years ago, and within 5 weeks, he passed away. I hadn't talked to his daughter in several years at the time, but my mother and I attended the wake with Momo and her family, and at the funeral home we silently hugged and nodded and all of our past grudges were forgiven. Less than three months later, she and her mother walked into that same funeral home to attend my mother's wake.

I would definitely not say that she and I have reestablished our friendship of past, but I don't wish any ill will upon her. Life is too short to waste by putting your energy toward holding grudges. That was the lesson I learned that winter.

Life is too short for a lot of things. It's something I often forget.

This time of year makes me remember that, but it's a lesson that's hard to learn. I can't listen to Christmas Carols without wanting to cry. and it's immensely frustrating. I was THAT GIRL in college. The one who insisted that she and JuJu put Christmas lights up in October in their dorm room in the SQuad.

Now I see Christmas lights on trees and I don't know what to do. Last night I was working downtown and met dice on michigan avenue and he told me he wanted to traverse through one of the malls - I had no idea why. He had a childlike excitement on his face and I quickly realized it was because they had put Christmas decorations up on this part of Michigan avenue. As I walked through the door and this realization hit me I felt myself catching my breath with childlike glee, just like dice, and for a split second - just ONE - I forgot that this fucking disease called cancer ever existed, ever took over and invaded our lives, leaving a scar on our lives that will never go away.

and then just as quickly that breath caught instead because things won't ever be the same, and my eyes immediately filled up with tears.

I learned last year that things aren't the same, and they don't have to be the same, and I don't have to provide the agency for them to remain the same. I get that. the pressure is gone now, unlike last year, for me to "be" my mom. I don't have to take over her duties for our family.

But I don't like it this way. I liked it when she was here. she made the holidays what they were, and that's why we all loved coming home for them. even when she drove us abso-fucking-lutely insane, we loved it.

I'm struggling, honestly. to figure out what the holidays are supposed to mean. what they're supposed to be about now that the critical infrastructure that held it together, the cohesive glue in our family, is gone. i'm able to just not think about it every other month of the year but then november comes along and december and i'm left wishing so badly that she were here. I told dice the other day that I would give up each and every one of my siblings to have my mother back. not that I don't love them immensely (although they do frustrate me) but you want to spend the holidays with the people that you love, and that love you, the most. and that person, for me, is gone. "Nobody loves you the way your mother does." yes. I know that now, thanks.

So as I dried my eyes last night and looked over at dice, I smiled and he apologized for bringing me there, and I explained that I wanted to enjoy it, I wanted to feel that excitement again, it's just going to take some time and some figuring out what I can and cannot handle at this point.

because I need to enjoy it again. for me. because life it too short to not be enjoying Christmas carols in October.