figuring it out.

Every week or two, I walk up to a nondescript office building and ring the bell for office number 1, and a person asks who I am and buzzes me in. I spend the next hour trying to fit the pieces of my life that have fallen out of place back into the complex jigsaw puzzle that my life has become. sometimes pieces don't go where they used to. sometimes they go into a totally new place. and sometimes pieces are missing. and they stay missing. and you have to figure out how to make the picture complete without them.

it's hard. life is hard, I guess.

I spent the weeks after my dad died in a somewhat comatose state of shock. all I remember is that I ate and slept very little. I didn't cry all that much, either. and every time someone approached me and said, "wow. I can't believe this. it's so sudden. and so soon after your mom..." All I could say was, "we'll figure it out." because really. what else is there to say? we would, right? we'd figure it out?

I've learned since then a bit about what happens, psychologically, to the family structure when children lose both of their parents. your concept of a family can simply fall apart. you have no cohesive factor forcing you to see each other at holidays, or yelling at you to, "call your brother, it's his birthday you know." You have to trust that the family values and sense of loyalty toward each other are strong enough to keep you together. But that's difficult when you have 4 headstrong young adults who are all trying to figure out their own place in this world. It takes a lot of work.

I'm not certain that anyone can really understand what we're going through right now. what i'm going through. This epoch of my life isn't just about understanding and coming to terms with the death of my parents. and it's not just about paying bills or, conversely, figuring out the inheritance. it's about understanding the tasks that have been left undone by both of my parents, and making sure than they aren't neglected. it's about making sure we remain a family.

I've always tried to be a person who didn't sit by idly and complain about my life without doing something about it. but there has been something lurking within our family that none of us has had the strength to deal with. Last week, I finally found that strength. I had a conversation with someone that I have been meaning to have for the last 10 years. and now, all of a sudden, I feel like there's something that can be done. and I feel simultaneously terrified of possibly not being able to help make that change happen, and excited to see if it can. A little part of me almost thinks it will be worth it to have lost both of my parents if that's the catalyst that helped us fix this. I know, for a fact, that they would have wanted it this way, and I also know that they didn't have the strength to do it.

it's incredibly stressful to have to deal with the things that we're dealing with, but it's also rewarding to feel that maybe everything can be ok. to feel that we're actually working toward something, instead of just feeling like we're sitting around and bitching about how horrible our lives are. maybe there will be a day when grieving for my parents is as uncomplicated as that, and will be about just plain missing them and won't have to involve wishing they were here to take care of problems.

The good thing is that all of this gives me a bit more perspective. for some reason, all of those trivial little things that irked me on a daily basis aren't even registering on my radar anymore. I don't have time or energy to deal with the bullshit in life. it's actually quite refreshing.

I don't like talking specifically about what's happening with my family out of respect for them as individuals and out of respect for our family as a whole. It's very seldom that I get into details about these situations with even my closest of friends, and I don't really feel like putting the details of my family life out there for the public is good for me. it's awkward and painful to have to watch someone sort through these sorts of things, I get that. but it's even more difficult for me when people don't understand what type of support I need. However, I do feel like sorting things out through writing will be good for me, so I will be writing privately for a while. before it was just "probably" a hiatus. now it is almost a for sure one. I'd apologize, but I don't even know most of y'all. if you do know me, well... you know how to reach me.