blogging while intoxicated should be prohibited

yesterday was hard. way harder than I expected it to be. it's not like I was thinking that it was going to be a walk in the park or anything, like I was just going out shopping for groceries... but I didn't expect it to be quite that painful. I feel kind of like I live in this alternate universe, where I can drive an hour back to my apartment and there everything is nice and cozy and just generally ok. when I go home, everything is shrouded by the death of my mother. it's hard. but I know I have to go there, think about it, deal with it.

we had a short prayer ceremony at the masoleum that she was being placed into. our paster, a bunch of her close friends, and theroommate came out and we watched them put the ashes in the vault we had picked out for her. the cemetary charges a $500 opening/closing fee for vaults. do you know what this involves? them taking a screwdriver, unscrewing the section of the wall, putting the ashes in the little box, putting a lid on the box and caulking it shut. as theroommate and I watched, I turned to her and whispered, "this is costing us 500 bucks," and she said, "I'd have brought my caulk gun out and done it for $7.99." not that we're total cheapskates or anything, it's just that $500 to do what they did seems extremely excessive.

we kept some of the ashes separate so that we can take them up to our cabin, where she loved to be most. my dad swiftly gave me the responsibility of taking care of her ashes. the first thing I noticed was the sticker that stated that that was the cremated remains of my mom, and that she was cremated on the 14th of February. fabulous. just another reason to hate valentine's day. my brother said that the superbowl and valentine's day will forever be ruined for him in his mind.

as we were leaving the masoleum, I was trying to be in a light hearted mood, because we had all been bawling our eyes out 10 minutes prior. I yelled out to my family as I got in my car, "I get to ride with mom!" to which everyone got a laugh. my dad yelled back, "make sure she's buckled in!" heh. what can you do but laugh at a time like this?

I spent the majority of the evening at airforcefriend's parent's house hanging out with his mom and his sisters. The body shop/pampered chef/jewelry party ended at 5, but I ended up staying around until 8:30. I spent an absurd amount of money on stuff... I guess that's the way I grieve, by spending money. I just told myself it was an early birthday present. I had had an argument with my brother earlier that day, so it was really nice just to chill out and hang out with someone else's family that I get along with better than my own. I absolutely adore them, and airforcefriend's sister at one point said, "you have to drop your other Body Shop representative (because she's a Body Shop rep too). You can just tell her that you already know someone who is a rep, and that she's practically your sister so you have to buy from her." it was very cute. and it was nice to know that I have sisterly types of women in my life that I can actually get along with. (not that my sister and I don't get along, it's just that many times I think she is an idiot) I like to think of them as my second family.

I drove back to my apartment and theroommate and I decided that instead of going out that we would just have a drink at home. unfortunately, I am not handling alcohol well these days, so it ended up being a bit (ok, a lot) too much. and we just talked. no tv. just the fireplace, some music, and our alcohol. and I thought about things out loud. and I cried. excessively. and theroommate was there with me so that I didn't have to go through it alone. because thinking about things scares the shit out of me, and makes me feel alone, even though I know all the wonderful friends that I have. because this is something that they can't go through for me or with me. I have to do this alone to a certain extent. but it's so comforting to know that they're there supporting me, even if I have to be alone.

I have such a huge amount of stuff to do today, it's unreal.