I'm having a bad evening...

so bear with me here...

it was two whole months ago today. I almost can't believe it. in some ways it seems like so long ago and in some ways the memories are so fresh. My sister emailed me today. she wanted to know if I was planning on going down to my dad's for Easter. I emailed her back to tell her that of course I would, and that I had already discussed Easter dinner with my father... I honestly think her email was more of a "please tell me you're coming down for Easter so I don't have to coordinate things!" message than anything else. she's not exactly the most... domesticated wife/mom around.

To tell you the truth, I kind of just wish I could forget Passion Week is coming up. not because I don't want to go to church or because I'm mad at God or anything - I had my words with Him in the long sleepless nights and early mornings before she died - but more because it was the holiday that... well, not that she liked most, per se... but it really meant a lot to her. She had such a strong faith. I have vivid memories of sitting next to her in church on Good Friday when I was young and looking over at her and being surprised to see tears rolling down her face. Sure, she wasn't a perfect Christian, but she recognized - more than anyone I know - the significance of Christ's suffering for us. Sitting through services this next week is going to be challenging for me.

and then there's the whole Easter dinner itself. I don't even remember what we have for Easter dinner. I know it involves ham, and that's where I take my exit. I can cook the entire turkey dinner for thanksgiving, and the entire prime rib dinner for Christmas... but I have no recollection of what we have for Easter. hrmph.

This is going to be harder than I imagined. Her recipe book is still on her nightstand. She had bought me a recipe book for Christmas and was working on transferring all of her "good" recipes over so that I could have them for myself and eventually my family too. She had stopped only a few recipes in and decided that that would be a perfect recovery project for her after surgery was over, so she had put my new recipe book along with her recipe book and a few boxes of tattered recipe cards up on her nightstand, ready to help her pass the time until she was healthy enough to do other things. The entire time she was in the hospital I kept saying to myself, "if she gets out... no, when she gets out, I'm going to take time off work and sit up there with her and spend more time with her and go through these with her." I couldn't even bear to look in the direction of her nightstand in the days following her passing. The one day I did manage to walk over there, about a week later, just the sight of the untouched books left me curled up in a little sobbing ball on her bed. and now I have to go look through the damn things. read her handwriting. hear her voice reading the recipes outloud as she prepared something.

At least I'll get to go "see" her. They put her nameplate on her crypt a few weeks ago, and I haven't gotten the chance to go down there and see it. And I know that she'll be celebrating the resurrection in a much more grand fashion than we are here. two months can seem like so long, and yet in the grand scheme of things... when you think about how short our time here is...

two months down, momma, just the rest of my life to go... I'll see you soon enough, don't worry. and when I do, I'm going to have lots to tell you, about 75 years worth...