philosophical mouse.

so last night, sunshine and I were chilling around the apartment. we opened a bottle of wine literally as soon as we got home, which generally signifies that things aren't going well with either one or both of us. We were talking about something, I don't remember what, but then this little exchange happened:

m: "I think it's the really bad things that happen in our lives that are really important, because it's those thing that make us realize how special and beautiful the good things are."

s: "that's a really good way of thinking about it. I never thought of it that way."

m: "well, that's kinda what i'm clinging to right now. If I don't think that way, i'm pretty sure i'm going to go insane."

it's no secret that I've been having a hard time the past few months with my mom's passing. I think I've made that pretty clear. and i'm just afraid it's going to get worse with the holidays, her favorite time of the year, swiftly approaching. I have these total freakouts whenever I think about the holidays. almost like panic attacks, but not so severe.

I am totally that girl who starts listening to Christmas music in October. Jujubee and I pretty much had Christmas lights up for the majority of the year when we lived in the dorms. I love Christmas, and everything that surrounds it. Mostly because she made it such a wonderful holiday. and now? I can't even think about it. I turned on WNIC, the channel that was MADE for me because they play all Christmas music starting November 1st, and every goddamn song brings back some memory. The thing is, they're all good memories. Piping Andy Williams into the kitchen at home while she and I would bake cookies. Her trying to sing "the little drummer boy" but dramatically failing, because... well, she wasn't the great singer, and me just cringing and telling her to be quiet and let me sing. :) listening to all these songs while we hung the garland from the staircase... I can literally hear her voice singing, and see us doing these things together. and I miss them. so much. already. and I haven't even HAD the chance to really miss them because a Christmas hasn't even come yet! How on earth am I going to make it through the next two months without her. Everything about this time of year was about her. Even her trying to redirect our thoughts to what the true meaning of Christmas is.

Let's not even talk about thanksgiving. My sister is offering to host, which I think is commendable, but... um... my sister doesn't know how to cook. at all. she called last weekend and suggested she host and that we have a "smaller meal". um... no. My dad and I both agreed that she can host, we will cook. I've been doing the cooking the past three years anyways, so it's not like I don't know how. The year we found out my mom was sick that became one of my duties, to learn to make the holiday meals, and last year the bird was stuffed and the side dishes prepared before my mom even made it downstairs. When she came down in a panic, saying how late she was getting things going, I said in a joking tone, "don't worry, mom, everything's all set. See, we don't even need you." She looked at me solemnly for a minute and then softly said with a little smile on her face, "that's exactly what I needed to hear, dear."

I struggle a lot with my identity with respect to my family. we've all been shifting roles quite a bit over the past 9 months since she's been gone. there are days when I feel like I have to take over and "be the mom" and there are others when I say, "hey, you know what, she's not here. things have to change." We hear a lot of, "that's the way your mom would have wanted it"s . but really, how am I supposed to know that? I DO know, however, that my mom loved the holidays, and the big meals, and how special that time of year was. and she wouldn't want us crying over her, i'm sure (well, maybe a little). She would want us to be enjoying it. Enjoying spending time with each other. Spending time with our friends. And eating a lot of food that is really bad for us along the way. :) So in the next two months, on top of finishing school and working and running and spending time with friends, I've got quite a bit of mom to be playing. and i'm ok with that. I just hope that I can remember her off-key singing, and remember decorating the house with her and see them for what they are... memories of how special a mother I had. not something to cry and feel sad over.

My aunt Mo told me this past summer that when she and my uncle John came down to the funeral home after she had passed, she turned to John and said, "we just lost the best person in this family. easily." all kidding about my family aside, I really do think she was right. My mom was such a wonderful person. And she was a great mom. and that's something to smile about and celebrate. not to cry over. I just wish I would have recognized that more before she passed. Not that we didn't have a great relationship, but can you ever really understand and appreciate all the great things your mom does for you? and let them know you appreciate it? I'm working on using that as a lesson, and I call my dad often these days just to see how he is and just to tell him how much I love him. it's something that we neglect doing every day. we take it for granted, what the loved ones in our lives mean to us. so go call your mom. or your dad. or your siblings [I don't really love my siblings, so I can't do that. KIDDING!] tell them you love them. and tell 'em mouse says hi. :)