a moment.

I've been at a conference since Monday. And I've hardly had any time to think about anything except the sessions I've been in and the sessions that I've presented, because really, coming back to work after several weeks off and effectively having less than a week to prepare for two conference presentations, as well as get caught up on all the other issues that have arisen since I was out... well, the last week has been a little bit stressful.

but at least it has kept me busy. This morning was my last session, which I was FREAKING OUT about, and it went really, really well. so yay for that. but now i'm sitting here in the hotel room, thinking I should probably go find some people to hang out with. because over the past few weeks i've fallen into "cannot, under any circumstances, be alone" mode. it's the whole "fear of losing people" thing, which I'm sure most people might think is warranted right about now, but it's bizarre in me because i'm generally not the clingy type.

I just finished looking at our wedding photographer's website, and listened to a few of the songs that Josh and I are considering for our first dance. and it's nice, wanting to be involved with wedding planning again. with moving forward. but then I think about it and... well, I start to have almost a panic attack. because two months ago, the idea of having my wedding day come without my mother there... having to go through all of these planning activities without her... well, it was heartbreaking. all over again. it was literally like she had just died again. I honestly was wondering how I was going to get through the day, when it comes.

and now there's an entirely new dimension. I truly, seriously, don't know that I will have the strength to do it. and I'm sure that's because everything is still so raw and new, but is it really going to be any better in a year? a year and a half? I can't imagine it is. even fathoming this day without both of my parents, it's so heartbreaking that I can't even breathe. I feel like my entire body collapses into itself just thinking about it; like I implode a bit. it's frustrating that the thought of such a happy occasion is causing me so much grief, but there's nothing I can do about it.

I know people will say things like, "they'll be looking down on you," or, "there will be people there who can fill in for your parents." I know this because already people have said these things to me. but for serious. I. DON'T. CARE. it's not them. they aren't THERE. and I wish people could understand that just saying, "they'll be watching you on that day," just doesn't cut the proverbial cake, you know? I have a right to be angry. I have a right to be upset. I'M 28 FUCKING YEARS OLD. there's no reason why my parents shouldn't be here right now. none whatsoever. It's not fair, and I'm ALLOWED TO BE SAD, UPSET, OUTRAGED ABOUT THAT.

ok. sorry. I just needed to take a moment to say some things. thank you.