group hug.

so. Josh asked me what made me want to come cheer everyone on in Chicago, and I apologize to him because i'm going to address that here publicly. try to stay with me here. this will probably be rambly.

I had been considering coming for a while now, but I didn't know how it would all work out with my school schedule and all of that. I don't think I've mentioned this, but i'm finishing up my last semester of grad school, and working full time, and on top of that, I for some STUPID reason decided that it would be fun to audit a class that is ridiculously hard on top of the classes i'm taking for credit. Thus, the reason why my blogging (and at times my running) has become so sporatic. in the midst of all this busyness, I've been really, really missing my mom. there was a time after she died that I wished for the days when I wouldn't break down sobbing on a daily basis. they came, eventually, but somehow they've creeped their way back into my life. every day on my drive to work and on my drive home, I see the leaves changing colors and how beautiful fall is and i'm reminded of how much she loved the color and being up north and getting ready for Christmas. And every day on my way to and from work I find myself crying. every time I run, I think of her, and it hurts so badly that it takes my breath away. and then I smile. because I realize that the reason why it hurts so badly, and that I miss her so much, is because she loved me so tremendously. and that's a great thing. to have someone in your life that loves you so much, and to actually be able to realize it, is awesome. I just wish, more than anything, that I had one more day with her. I wish I hadn't gone to that piston's game the night she came out of surgery. I wish I had gone to the hospital to visit with her one more time when we though everything was alright. as it stands, the last time I saw her not sedated, she was in a panic and scared because they were intubating her, and I was crying and scared to death, and she saw the fear in my eyes, and that in turn scared her more. it wasn't supposed to be like that. I don't want my mom's last thoughts of me to be a crying, scared daughter. I wanted to be the strong woman that she raised me to be. and I was strong. oh man was I ever. but that came after she was sedated. I hope in some way she realized that.

why am I telling you all of this? I don't know, really. all I know is that every day when i'm running and I think of her, it breaks my heart, and I cry a little. but then I always think of you people. and that there are others out there, who are on their own runs, and dealing with their own trials, and sorting through their own grief, or celebrating the joys that come in their lives. and it makes me smile. sure, I have the support of my "real life" friends who have had to deal with me calling them in a total sobbing panic over the past month or two... I totally would have just broken down into a dysfunctional heap of sobbing mess if it weren't for them, i'm positive of it, and I love them incredibly for dealing with me. but you all have supported me (perhaps unbeknownst to you) so much over the past year as well. whether it was an awesome friend grabbing my hand in the middle of a trail marathon when I started to cry and telling me that everything would be ok, or an awesome couple offering to ship their dog up for a visit, or another awesome friend reminding me repeatedly that life ebs and flows, or an awesome future ironman bringing me a bottle of tequila and hanging out for a day, or just all of you making me laugh. it's support that I am ridiculously greatful for, and I have a small chance to support some of you back (although I wish you all were going to be there). so i'm going to take it. because you are my friends, and that's what friends do.

so taper on, Chicago runners, and look for me on the sidelines, screaming my head off. the rest of you? I hope to have the honor of meeting you someday as well. :)