notes from the hospital

I was going to title this, "funny things my father says while doped up on painkillers," but I decided that, while he is an extremely funny man both doped up and not, I will try to honor him by not repeating the things he's saying.

so we went to the hospital on sunday night due to various issues and it ended up being the best thing we could have done because they're caring for him well and they have expedited all his tests and stuff so we are getting a final diagnosis ASAP.

the bottom line is that things are bad. we've got what seems to be cancer in the lungs (yes, both sides), in the liver, and we also found out that it's in the bone in several areas. the additional bone mets don't really do anything to the prognosis, as it has already metastasized to significantly important areas. it's actually kind of a relief to know because he is complaining of pain in a few of those areas and they can actually DO something about that (well, potentially), so that's nice.

one of my aunts and I have been switching off staying at the hospital. tonight is my evening. the hospital has wifi, thus my posting.

my aunts and my uncle (my father's siblings) have been unbelievably supportive throughout this entire ordeal. even though they are all spread out throughout the country, they have really come together to help us through this and to help us give my father the care that he needs. I told my grandmother this morning that it was truly a testament to her and my grandfather, and that her children have been an absolute Godsend for myself and my siblings right now. we are going to have to really determine what we need to do to stagger our time to make sure we can adequately care for my father, and my aunt has already determined that she can take that on as part of her responsibility. my boss has been amazing as well, and has told me we can work out whatever I need to be here right now.

we will get an "official" prognosis this next week. but from what we know right now, it's certain that my father will not live through this. it's terminal. right now, just the odds of him making it a year are really slim. it's baffling to me how this all came on so suddenly. just over a month ago he was healthy and working and happy. and yet, there were so many signs telling us that now is his time. it's so, so hard to face, but in little ways, we are prepared for this. well, I am prepared for this. my siblings are not so much.

I would never say that life without my parents can or will be easy, or that i'll ever understand why they had to be taken at such a young age. but one of the things my father and I talked about on friday evening was whether or not I felt he and my mother had prepared me for life. and I could unequivocally tell him that yes, they had. that's not to say that I feel like I have all the answers to life. But I feel confident that i've learned, by example, enough from them to be capable of making good decisions regarding the majority of the obstacles that I may encounter. but more importantly, they've taught me how to love my family and my God, and have given me the Faith to know that this dark shadow, death, isn't something of which I should be afraid.

I understand a bit more now than I did when I went through this with my mom, and I understand that the hurt and the pain, in it's own twisted way, is a wonderful thing. because it reminds me and my siblings that he loves us, so, so much. that's why we hurt: because we have such a special person in our lives. and this time around? I'm taking the opportunity to tell him that I love him just as much, as often as I can.

ok, one funny thing, before I sign off. yesterday, we had this brief conversation as he was trying to doze off for the umpteenth time:

me (softly): "I love you, dad"
dad (irritatedly, because i was interrupting precious sleep): "I know you do."
me (laughing): "you're supposed to say, 'I love you too, sissy.'"
dad: "oh. i love you too, sissy. good?"

all I could do was chuckle and shake my head...