"three weeks ago, life was... different"

this is hard to write. but i'm exhausted, and I can't talk to people anymore, but I still feel like there are things to say.

a bit over a month ago, my father got sick with the flu. and then, three weeks ago, that flu turned into atypical pneumonia. and while we were certifiably freaked out then, we didn't even know what was in store for us.

the various doctor appointments and blood work for the pneumonia reveal abnormal liver enzymes, which warranted an ultrasound of his liver. various masses were found and from there he went through a chest and abdominal CT scan. And from there, the memory of that day 6 years ago when my father told me my mother had cancer became, once again, a vivid reality.

yesterday, we found out that my father has extensive lung cancer, and that it's metastasized to his liver, automatically making his condition very, very grave.

and all the time that my father, my aunt, and I were sitting there listening to the doctor talk about getting radiation treatment ASAP and liver draws to determine the type of cancer so they can do chemotherapy... well, as my ex says, the chances of survival are not 0, but they are also not good at all. We are, quite frankly, mostly looking toward making him comfortable and establishing what his wishes are for us and for the estate.

Making him comfortable is difficult, to be honest. without being overbearing with the details, he's being particularly disagreeable regarding his med dosing, and he's not wanting to dope up on painkillers because it makes his head a little fuzzy, but at the same time, he's in a lot of pain. add to that the fact that, when he's in a lot of pain he doesn't want to be alone, and that the majority of the pain is coming in the evenings, and, Oh! yeah, that's right! i'm the only one here taking care of him during the evening right now. yeah... I slept maybe 2 hours last night, and got a bit of a nap in today, but being tired on top of the stress of dealing with my dad fighting with me on everything from what he is drinking to when he is eating to what pills he is taking... well, quite frankly I feel like crap.

tonight my sister is staying with us through the evening to hopefully give me some relief (more than two hours of sleep at one time would be amazing). I know that I have a lot of wonderful people in my life, and that they all want to be there at times like this, but it's very, very difficult to not feel so goddamn alone right now. even my siblings and I are not relating and communicating well about how to deal with the situation. I got a text very late last night telling me that I don't have to be alone when there are so many people that care about me, but calling someone or texting someone at 3:00 in the morning really doesn't do much to make me feel less alone, and I don't really think someone being here would help all that much either. My ex is in town and has been tremendously helpful, even offering to come over at 2:00 last night to be with me, but I told him there really wasn't much he could do by physically being here.

we expect things to be soon, based on how sick he is, how he is handling situations, and his general mood. the idea of finding relief from the pain and going to be with my mother is very welcome to him right now.

i'm kind of exhausted and frustrated and just plain old tired, so I guess I should end this. we are all kind of figuring things out with respect to becoming orphans at such a young age. i've had about a week or so to really, really adjust to the idea and you know... i'm going to be ok. I just hope we are able to manage the pain and make him comfortable so that things go as smoothly as possible from here on out...